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Healing A Broken Child
So many times Ive tried to write....but how does one begin....
...to tell the truth and bare ones soul, when others just won't listen?
They say they want to hear it, they say they really care,
but once the child opens up they're never really there.
My cries have gone unanswered for years and years and years....
I've lived in isolation with my pain and all my fears.
....fears from Angry parents ....and the screaming all the time,
fears from no one loving me as if I'd done some crime.
I guessed that meant I wasnt worth the loving or the care,
so I developed low self-esteem from the lack of loving there.
....for when the screaming ended there'd still be no affection,
so I stayed scared and lost in fear and NEVER felt protection.
I remember all the beatings and the deep humiliation,
and I never knew just what I'd done to earn this degradation.
When you're criticized for everything a fear of trying's born,
so you learn procrastination and you dread each coming morn.
And then those fears that HAUNT you that you'd rather think weren't real, the ones where people touch you where they shouldnt EVER feel.
And then....NO ONE BELIEVES YOU when you tell them what they did, and you feel so lost and guilty even though youre just a kid.
So tell me then, why should I learn to trust one single soul,
when no one EVER rescued me or believed me when I told?
When I was small and needed love....where did the grown-ups go?
Within the walls of their own fears....so they wouldnt have to know.
These walls that I refer to have quite a special name, these walls are called Denial so you feel SEPARATE from your pain.
I learned survival very young, a way to help me cope,
this new friends name was ANGER and his power gave me HOPE
But Anger was my only friend and no one understood,
instead they said that I was bad....so why try.... to be good?
When I was only four years old and locked within a cage,
if I dared show my pain out loud my Captor showed her RAGE!
....and that claustrophobic feeling still lingers in my fears,
from all those times when I felt trapped during those abusive years.
My Anger was my Safety Zone that grown-ups couldnt touch,
the only place that I felt safe was in that living crutch.
I soon began to laugh at words like safe and love and trust,
for every word in my REAL world described such HATE and LUST.
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The fear, the pain, the loneliness, the constant condemnation, the lies and secrets we all lived, especially Salvation.
I understood that what was said was never what they meant,
and that this game that they called life was made up...as they went.
So I too learned....to play it well and hid my truth from all,
and started living in a dream that guarded me with walls.
...walls that kept my fantasy like letting me stay NUMB,
walls that kept protecting me like....sucking on my thumb.
The only people in my life that I could see as real,
were two small boys that lived with me but also....couldnt feel.
The only two I really loved were those two boys, you see,
and somehow they took care of me and took responsibility.
Its no wonder that I looked to them for parenting, its true,
but little did I know how very painful thatd be too....
...for they too felt so helpless and powerless with fear,
that they released their anger on me....their smaller peer.
In later years that pattern showed the flaws that were so set,
because I still expected everything I used to get.
While growing up I learned to hide the pain and all the tears,
but every task I undertook was poisoned by those years.
No matter what I tried to do I never could fit in,
I felt those hopeless, desperate fears continuing to win.
Whenever I DID reach for help in spite of ENDLESS tries,
all I ever really heard were my feelings minimized.
I felt, at times, I couldnt breathe and didnt want to live,
because this pain trapped in my soul refused to let ME give.
Until one day I met a man that made me feel so safe,
and in my desperation I latched on like some lost waif.
But...in my true dysfunction I attracted the same life
that I had been brought up with that had caused my pain and strife.
So once again, I felt my world closing in too tight, and disconnected from my pain ...which I learned from endless fright.
But then as if a miracle, a gift was so bestowed,
that shed a light so brilliant that I felt as if I glowed.
I found a new beginning in what was to be known,
that I would have a child ...someone to call my own.
The first time that I held her I felt Love instead of Fear,
and when I saw her helplessness I could feel my healing near.
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Do you know what its like to be a helpless child alone??
...left with grown-ups filled with RAGE who beat you to the bone?
Can you imagine what YOU'D do if you could do no right??
...and then were punished just because you lived both day and night?
Theyre silly questions, this I know, because there is no way,
that you could even try to feel the pain I LIVED with EVERY day!
There are those few who really know because they FACED their fears, ....they touched their own pain locked within with COURAGE, FAITH and TEARS!!
We all have pain we hide from to keep our lives intact,
but when we touch it LOVINGLY we set it....FREE...in fact.
No longer will I keep in touch with those who shun my pain,
for that is....ALL...I had for years but...NOT ALL...that now remains.
For now I feel such POWER in the fact that I RECLAIM
my BODY, SOUL and FEELINGS and no longer feel FALSE SHAME!!
I now have STRONG, CLEAR BOUNDARIES and I speak them loud and clear, and NEVER will I hide again my FEELINGS or my FEAR!!
I feel that I am living for the first time on this earth, and I feel so EMPOWERED with this healing second birth.
This healings been a gift to me though its cost me quite a lot, its cost me my whole family for they understand me not.
One price I had to pay for this was very high indeed,
because the FIRST and HARDEST thing was learning HOW to GRIEVE!
Learning HOW to get in touch with pain I locked away,
and somehow find the COURAGE to let it come my way.
To let it take ahold of me and shake me to the core,
consume me till I crumbled in sobs upon the floor.
And with each piece of grieving I could feel my strength increase, as if Id just been nourished by that POWERFUL RELEASE!!
And with this HEALING, I have learned that I can TRUST, at last,
because Ive learned to TRUST MYSELF ...by FEELING my painful past.
And now....I pass this healing on and let the TRUTH be known,
THAT....YOU TOO....CAN RECLAIM YOUR LIFE...
WITH HELP......YOURE NOT ALONE!
Copyright ©1992 Dawn Elizabeth Tomastik
MAKING YOUR CARING KNOWN
Throughout the lives we're living we often seem so blind,
we hurry through most everything instead of "making" time;
So it's time to greet the morning with a brand new "breath" of day,
it's time to follow sunshine sharing joy along the way;
It's time to sing a song of love and "show" what life is for,
it's time to heal whatever's gone and open brand new doors;
It's time to sail the ocean blue with freedom in the air,
It's time to walk along the beach "revealing" how you care!
It's time to "show" what sharing IS for those who do not know,
It's time to say.."we care a lot" ..and HELP each other grow.
It's time to recognize the gifts that God's bestowed on us,
It's time to "make" the effort and replace our fear with "Trust."
Copyright ©2004 Dawn Elizabeth Tomastik
Instincts Don't Work in L.A.
Only here in LA
could you learn how to play
all the games that exist day and night.....
Games that show you who leads,
just who hurts and who bleeds,
and the ones that think they're always right....
So they hide all the hurt
and live up to the dirt
and don't care what it takes to succeed....
Then continue to use
take advantage and abuse
with the traits of a misguided breed....
Though we once had such trust
all that's left is mere lust
it's a sad world we live in today....
Long ago we believed
Now were only deceived
For out instincts dont work in L.A.!
Copyright ©1981 Dawn Elizabeth Tomastik
