RECLAIMING HUMILITY, INTEGRITY & COURAGE
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We are missing many things in our society these days but three of the most important are Humility, Integrity and Courage. When you think of those three powerful characteristics it makes one wonder why people find it nearly impossible to actively integrate them into their daily lives; but when you take into account all the stress factors that are controlling people's lives it makes more sense, though not enough to give up on trying. Humility seems to be almost an extinct concept these days. To be humble is to admit when wrong; to want truth more than the desired personal gain; to selflessly put truth or another person or entity first. The ultimate humility is to act selflessly with acts of kindness or generosity then not even claim credit for them. An EXAMPLE might be: donating food or needed items to a homeless shelter and putting anonymous; or making a financial donation and again putting anonymous (and not with the focus of a tax write off--gain). That is humility; but humility in every day occurrences is just as valuable and important, like admitting when wrong without all the defensiveness. 99% of the time people respond defensively to being called on something that makes them feel wronged.
A portion of those 99%, after thinking about it, can or will admit it humbling themselves, but unfortunately, depending on the size and significance of the mistake the smaller the percentage of admissions. Then there is Integrity, which is doing what is right and true for the purity of truth, even if no one else knows about it. It's having the character to care more about doing things the fair and honest way than to focus on personal gain. An EXAMPLE of this could be: A clerk in a store charges you less for a product than you know it costs or that same clerk might give you more change than you deserve; what do you do? Do you mention it or do you walk away thinking, this is so small it doesn't matter? You may even get that twinge that you gained or got away with something, but, if you do walk away not correcting that small bit of dishonesty it can slowly eat away at your self esteem and character. And when that happens it's only a matter of time before all those small acts of dishonesty collect into a large feeling of shame and guilt, unconscious or not. And though that guilt does tend to bother us at first, if we continue to ignore it we slowly become desensitized to it and eventually stop even hearing it entirely.
That is where it starts to get dangerous. That is when we lose a very valuable aspect of ourselves, our conscience. Our conscience was designed to help keep us accountable, so if we choose to turn that off, what will take its place to steer the course of our life? A lack of caring? Selfishness? Total Ego? All those and more? Then when we get used to not holding ourselves account-able do we resist when others try to hold us accountable for our behavior? Accountability is what holds us in check; without it a great deal of damage can be done. Integrity is another characteristic that seems to be dis-appearing; and that is scary since it matters very much. Integrity, no matter how small, feeds us. It strengthens our character so we get stronger and stronger for more and
more challenging things throughout life. Being honest in small things, like watching the relief and appreciation on that clerk's face when you mention the wrong change, who then actually tells you how much trouble he would be in when his cash register would not have balanced at the end of the day and would have had to pay the difference himself and thanks you profusely, is a gain that is immeasurable and invaluable.
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together, but in actuality when online we are usually away from others, alone at our computers. We are connected in a fashion but not where all the human connection happens, in person. We certainly need and receive value from the internet connection but it's up to us to recognize when it's taking over and becoming a dangerous component instead of a productive one. It is WE who must put the brakes on and regroup and make new conscious choices; choices that benefit the collective instead of merely the individual; but where do we begin? That is where COURAGE enters the picture. It takes courage to act on what is right, but against the current norm or what is easier. Though stress plays a huge part in the choices we make taking the "easy" way over the "better" way has become an unfortunate and destructive norm. This again is where our conscience is needed. Listening to our conscience, our instincts and each other will lend support to challenging ourselves to do the right thing, even if and when it takes more time, energy or money; THAT is being courageous. Challenging our comfort zones to speak up is courageous when its easier to remain quiet about what we see and experience as wrong. We need more courageous, selfless people in the world. We need to make room for ourselves and others to step up and BE courageous. We need to encourage it and reward it not hinder it or punish it. Too many of our systems bring negative
That kind of honesty accumulates into just
as much a large feeling as the dishonesty but would instead be an enriching one and grow into something profound that would carry on into other experiences making you feel a sense of worth, honor and contribution. Honor, now there's another word disinte-grating. Contribution is another huge factor that is missing. People are so focused on scrambling to make their lives work and stay intact that it's hard to even think about how one is contributing, to others or the world. However, it is so important to realize that individuals and their actions make up the "world," and the world--US, would function and be much better served by reversing that thinking. If we focus more on contributing to each other within our immediate lives the world would naturally benefit and slowly change for the better, and we would regain something precious-- cohesiveness; a vital factor we've lost but could reinstate to eliminate the isolated and panicky feeling
so many experience when things start to unravel. Contributing creates community and community is something we have sacrificed greatly to keep up with the fast pace that has taken a hold of us and carried us away. Technology is greatly at the root of this; it contributes to our isolation. The internet gives the appearance of bringing us
results when we step out of the norm and speak up for what is right and true, and that is not only wrong but a huge part of why people don't do it. It is going to take courageous people to speak up, and continue doing so until that is changed and no longer the norm. And some of those people may even be persecuted like those in our history who fought for the necessary changes that we now benefit from. They should be our role models. Look also at the courageous acts in the eighties and nineties when more people courageously came out with sexual abuse stories. Their need for truth and a deep desire to reclaim a huge part of themselves, that was stolen with the abuse they suffered, mattered more and inspired their courage. Upon seeing what the first ones did with courage others began speaking up more and more also. Then later the stigma of having addictions was broken and more people came out with that truth so they could HEAL. We must duplicate these courageous acts in many other areas. It seems important that people LOOK UP the words Integrity, Humility and Courage to understand their literal meaning and find ways to integrate the actions and behavior associated with them into their lives and the world. Please, encourage yourself and others to do this. Our world needs it!
THE COURAGE TO LOVE
It's true it takes great effort to continue to work at the trials and tribulations of loving but it's worth it.It would of course be so much easier to walk away or take the easy way out by avoiding truth, denying our own feelings and focusing on anything else but love; but then we would not only be hurting those who love us but also be cheating ourselves of all the joy and deep fulfillment of connecting with another human heart. It is inevitable that we will later feel the deep regret of not mustering up the courage of our own hearts convictions to do what is needed to see love through. Once we do walk away there is no way to avoid the pain that exists inside from doing so. In spite of trying to deny it, it catches up with everyone when they least expect it; and when it does, the justification we try to convince ourselves of gives us no comfort, it only increases the pain. It is everyones individual choice and decision to stay or leave, unfortunately those left behind, from those who leave, there is a deep heartache to contend with; but the only way to remain living in the present is to feel the pain of such a loss or we become stuck in unexpressed grief. We can wish and hope and pray that those we love will choose to stay, but in the end all we can do is accept the truth of what IS and try to continue to love others, and ourselves, the best we canby being true to our own hearts. (excerpt from current manuscript)
LOVING YOURSELF
Loving oneself isn't as easy or as automatic as it may sound and there are many different ways of succeeding at doing so. There are fundamental aspects of loving oneself that can enrich our lives, but even more in the details that can bring us love, joy and peace. Most people consider providing the basic things in life such as a job, home, food, clothing, etc. as self love, and to some degree it is because it is self care, but there are other equally (if not more) important areas that make us feel loved and valued. The areas I am talking about include the more specific things and ways we take care of our bodies, minds, hearts and souls, that fill us with a sense of self love. Providing what we need in these areas gives us a feeling of truly being valued and cared for, especially on a day to day basis where we are acting on the details that define what is special to our individual needs. A common misperception is when people tend to confuse self care with self indulgence. Often we act compulsively out of fear or the unknown, this is the time to stop and think. It does take practice and deliberate action but ANYONE can do it. Granted it helps tremendously if you can reach out and ask for help but many people fear doing even that. The key is to find what works for you and act on it. Breaking bad habits and patterns can be tricky but it can be done; and the rewards of a less stressful and more controlled life are worth it. (excerpt from current manuscript)
BOUNDARIES
A very important area that gets taken for granted is Boundaries. More people than we would ever believe dont even know what boundaries are, and others do not have them or do not know how to use them correctly. Boundaries give us a sense of control over our own bodies and lives, a sense of self respect and self protection. Without these we would feel more controlled by the circumstances and people outside ourselves, and too frequently do. Without personal boundaries we can be easily manipulated, overpowered and undervalued. Setting boundaries for ourselves gives us a sense of autonomy (sense of self), independence, protection and self confidence as well. Boundaries seem to be under valued in our society, except for the personal growth crowd, but they're invaluable to everyone. Boundaries give us the psychological awareness that we are uniquely separate from the world and others. Children who are not taught or allowed to use boundaries grow up feeling enmeshed (involved with others in unhealthy ways) with the world and others and easily feel lost and confused. They have no real sense of autonomy, no individual identity. They have never had the opportunity to know how to be self contained as the individual they are or self protected in a healthy way. This lack of education in such a crucial area can actually be dangerous. When they come across situations that require them to protect themselves physically, emotionally or psychologically, often even spiritually, they are at a loss. This unfortunately leads to unhealthy relationships in many areas, including and especially with themselves. Another aspect to loving oneself is the lack of understanding in the fundamental concept that you cant have a healthy relationship with someone else UNTIL you have a healthy relationship with yourself. I think if more people really understood this perhaps they would stop trying to find that fulfillment outside themselves that is meant to be found inside us. Though this can be a confusing concept, a healthy relationship with oneself is treating yourself with care, sensitivity, respect and generosity. It's making sure that you make healthy choices for your mind, body, heart and soul. Its taking the time out to consider what you want, need or feel. Its making sure that you use the necessary boundaries to make yourself feel safe and respected. It's eating the right food, getting the right amount of rest and exercise and bringing people into your personal and professional world whenever possible that enhance your life, not hinder it. Its utilizing as much conscious choice as humanly and practically possible. To break that down a little more into how to love yourself: As basic as it may sound to some, good boundaries are telling people NO if they try to do things that harm you, in any and all ways that feel inappropriate to YOUphysically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. (excerpt from current manuscript)
ACCOUNTABILITY
Accountability is another area that is confusing to many. Often people seem to confuse blame with accountability. Blaming someone for something is a confusion of whose responsibility something is and the one blaming is the one who generally feels victimized and powerless, thus often remains stuck. Accountability on the other hand is being clear about who is responsible for what. Accountability is empowering. It allows one to be clear about what has happened their role in it and who else is involved and is culpable; they also have no problem directing that accountability at the person or people in question.
An example of this might be a person who has been overpowered by another. That victimized feeling can keep a person stuck in blame due to not understanding what happened, why and what to do about feeling overpowered. When a person in this position receives help and clarification about what happened and why, as well as what their true role in it was, they are able to separate the emotions that have been jumbled up inside with nowhere to go. They are then able to process the emotions appropriately, with help and guidance if necessary, thus becoming clearer on who is responsible for the act perpetrated on them and hold them accountable for it. Holding your perpetrator accountable is a powerful method of releasing what you could have been holding onto that was not yours to keep.
Another misperception is that you always have to literally tell the perpetrator who is accountable, that they are. This is not necessarily true. Often, if the emotions have been processed thoroughly (that is fully expressed the pain and loss associated with the experience) and the boundaries are strong for future events, then it is not uncommon for a person to successfully move on with their life, free of that need. The releasing of stuck emotions is what empowers a person, not merely the perpetrator's admission. It is so much more important to eliminate the stuck emotions and issues involved since that is what will truly, and ultimately, return personal power. We all deeply desire others to take responsibility when they have injured or wronged us, but to stay stuck in that need is to allow them to steal your entire life and remain imprisoned in permanent victimization. (excerpt from current manuscript)
DENIAL
Everyone's heard the word denial but how many really understand its meaning or value? Denial is meant to be a protective device. In many ways it is a very clever and brilliant concept. Its a built-in, back-up safety measure for the human psyche. Denial was universally designed to keep the mind and body safe during situations that we are not currently equipped to handle. It was meant to be a temporary state giving us the time to develop the abilities and strength to deal with the event in question. Hospice has a wonderful definition of denial:
Denial buys us the time to discover and develop the inner strength, and external
support, needed to face the facts, results and feelings associated with loss.
In our society when one mentions "loss" people seem to automatically associate that word with "death of a person," but overlook or deny the same immense and intense feelings that go with any loss. Loss causes pain. People seem to accept people in pain when losing a person yet minimize or negate the validity of pain with other lossANY LOSS. This in itself is sad because when dealing with loss, emotional safety is very necessary and if people around you dont feel comfortable with the necessary and genuine painful feelings, due to loss, then it makes it that much harder to stay in and move through the grief process.
When we are in denial of something it is suppressing parts, sometimes large parts, of our authentic self. There are a lot of pieces to the puzzle called self and the ones that exist in that bubble of denial are not integrated into the active self. Denial can be blocking fears that developed in the past; beliefs were too scared to look at, or dont know what to do with, or painful experiences and people we would rather forget. There may be people, places, events and more that were not in touch with yet store deep within us, and then think...they have no bearing on the present but they do.
(excerpt from current manuscript)
20 Most Common Ways to Self-Sabotage
1. Make a list of so many things to do that you wind up feeling overwhelmed and accomplish nothing
2. Look for approval from sources that do not have your best interests at heart.
3. Start each day with yesterdays list feeling bad instead of creating a shorter, more realistic, achievable list.
4. Criticize others to make you look and feel better about yourself.
5. Dont give yourself credit for things well done only criticism for things not done well.
6. Seek out people who are weaker or less accomplished than yourself so you can feel good about yourself.
7. Eat on the run and dont take care of yourself yet expect to feel good and energetic.
8. Spend time with groups or in meetings that produce the opposite of your desired results.
9. Keep your work space messy and disorganized so you cant focus on whats really needed.
10. Make agreements to improve but never keep them or follow through to unconsciously fail.
11. Obsess on all the small things and ignore the big ones.
12. Put things off until the last minute believing that you work better under pressure, when in fact it just creates more
chaos/drama.
13. Pick relationships not realistic for yourself so you don't get your needs met.
14. Watch the news right before bed even though you know it will stimulate your greatest fears.
15. Purposely do not have a Coach or Work Partner to keep you accountable when you know it would make all the
difference in the world.
16. Do more for others than you do for yourself to make you feel worthy and win approval.
17. Keep track (and score) of petty incidents that others have done to you to keep your life in drama and out of
authenticity.
18. Rarely ask yourself if you are spending your time wisely which keeps you stuck in a rut and going in circles.
19. Set unrealistic goals that prevent you from attaining a feeling of accomplishment but do make you feel justified in
blaming outside sources.
20. Keep complaining and blaming others about things so you dont really have to look at your behavior and
motives that cause counter-productive situations.
Depression is a State of Separation
Depression is called a "disease," but it is so much more; it's a state of separation. People suffering from depression tend to feel separate from everything and everyone, including themselves. The word "depressed" is frequently misused in our society. Many people use the word depressed to describe when they are feeling sad, but "depression" is so much more than sadness. There are a variety of factors in depression, as well as varying degrees per individual; it can be all of them or a mixture of them, which is why depression is often easily mistaken or overlooked. Many of the depressed people themselves do not recognize their symptoms for what they truly are. Some of the main debilitating factors are: A tendency to feel lost and alone, feelings of hopelessness, unmotivated and disinterested in most or all things, an inability to think clearly, lethargy, a disturbance in eating or sleeping or both (i.e. binge eating or insomnia) and crying inexplicably. Some manage to continue functioning but do so with symptoms interfering significantly. Others can be around many people and still feel terribly alone.
Depression has many masks and some sufferers even hide it intentionally out of shame and fear. Others minimize their symptoms not wanting to admit they are depressed and even lie to their doctors resulting in being undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. This confusion of recognition in itself is a huge problem. It is also common for those who encounter a depressed person to feel uncertain as to "how to react" or "what to do," and feel awkward and helpless. This helplessness tends to make people want to fix things or run away, but those who stay and want to help would benefit greatly from detailed guidelines that explain exactly how to accommodate what is needed. It isn't easy for those observing depression to understand why the person suffering doesn't just jump up and act on the suggestions given as solutions when they seem so possible and realistic,
Many depressed people are so consumed by their overwhelming "cocoon of depression" that it doesn't even occur to them to reach out for help, and for some, the depression worsens due to not having anyone to reach out to.
Depression can easily create the perception and belief that you aren't worthy of help, or for that matter even asking for it and all you feel is defective and lost in the maze of your dark world. Then there are those who think of it and want to call someone but feel scared to do so for fear of other's reactions, or worse, interference that can feel threatening, i.e. being taken out of their surroundings that feel safe while depressed or being taken to a hospital against their wishes and losing control of whether or not they can leave.
Depressed people who have previously felt confident and competent, and still do at times, feel they can't reveal their depression to others for fear that the labels of incapable and incompetent will remain no matter what else changes down the road; this tends to cause them to isolate all the more, intensifying the depression. The world at large needs to learn more about the needs of the depressed, other than the list of symptoms and known chemical solutions, to ensure that the whole person is addressed; with the increasing global catastrophes and personal crises happening more frequently we had better. We all need to know what to do if it happens to us or someone we know. Understanding and compassion are at the forefront of what is needed, followed by the very necessary practical help and support. Listening to what the depressed person's perception is, to understand the darkness they are experiencing, is necessary no matter how scary; and if you listen with your intellect it will make no sense, since there is no logic found in that darkness. If you think you are scared of it imagine how it feels to them! Listening to all they have to say, and really hearing them, extends the gift of validation and dignity, as well as alleviating much of their aloneness with it.
but looking through the eyes and experience of depression is nothing like the reality others see.
People who mean well and try to "fix" the depressed with suggestions or solutions tend to do so in an unemotional manner and depression is an emotional and usually chemically imbalanced state, so to the depressed, cerebral offerings feel invalidating and the furthest from they are truly needing, which comes from the heart; understanding, sensitivity, compassion, support and love.
That natural tendency for others to want to fix a depressed person can be destructive for several reasons, a few being: The unintentionally harmful assessment that they "need to be fixed," which only serves as confirmation to the depressed person that they are in fact broken, and are as defective as they already view themselves; another is, any of those offered "solutions," may sound relatively simple to those not depressed, but they sound confusing to those unable to think clearly, causing additional feelings of overwhelm. Sometimes, even hearing suggestions while depressed can feel overwhelming because it contributes to the already existing feelings of guilt for not doing what they themselves have already thought of but feel too immobilized to accomplish with no energy, hope or desire to achieve them. Depression makes it appear and feel like there is no answer, no matter what the suggestion or offer of help, which subsequently increases the horrible feelings of hopelessness and futility; and, what increases their feelings of isolation is the repeated proof that no one understands what they're going through, as indicated by the intellectual and sometimes patronizing suggestions they receive. This can cause them to get defensive which confuses those who thought they were helping.
The unexplained crying bouts and emotional outbursts increases the discomfort and feelings of helplessness of others, which only stresses the importance of the person present checking in with their own heart to ensure they are focusing on being emotionally present; just "being with them" with compassion, caring and empathy is the greatest gift you can give. Being with people who are crying, including those not suffering from depression, makes a person feel less alone and comforted. That alleviation of feeling all alone with depression is enormously helpful, so for those who truly want to help, learn what it takes to "be emotionally available." So many people find being emotionally available challenging, but it's necessary for everyone, not just the depressed. Some depressed people want or need to talk or cry, or both, to get things out that have been bottled up inside, whether relevant to their present circumstances or not. For others it's the opposite, they just want company and don't want to think or talk. If they do want to talk, remember to just listen and don't intellectualize or try to fix whatever they verbalize, they feel great safety from someone who listens from an emotional point of view. AFTER they're done with their venting or verbal unloading you could ask them if they would like some suggestions. If you just offer suggestions, the depressed person could feel overwhelmed, due to not feeling like they could possibly accomplish what is said and feel worse for it, but asking them if they would like some suggestions empowers them (since this particular question feels like caring in the way they need) because it indicates they can have control over something, at a time that they feel they have no control at all. This feels empowering to make a choice and decision in an area they feel capable, which may seem small to others but is positive and huge to them.
If you clearly recognize a person is depressed and mention it and they try to minimize it, trying to hide it, don't let that sway you if you feel your recognition is accurate, be gentle and venture in slowly, especially if they are not ready for the depression to be visible; start with caring, nurturing gestures; fixing them a cup of tea, or something to eat, sitting and talking (but don't go deep and heavy right away if they seem reluctant, unless they do first), watching TV or a movie together or if they are open to it, getting outside for a walk and some fresh air.
Sometimes leaving the house when depressed can feel too exposing and unsafe. Even trying to decide what to wear and getting dressed can feel overwhelming for depressed people (when mentally confused, making any decision can feel too challenging) so lending a practical hand in this area would be helpful as well. Perhaps they need other practical help like food in the house (because a lot of depressed people have isolated and have not gone to the store or even eaten for that matter) or some form of medicine, or if they haven't showered for a while gently encouraging them to take a shower; volunteering to pick out their clothes for them and literally leading them to the shower and doing the prep work, turning on the water and adjusting the temperature, laying out the towel, shampoo, etc.
These things may seem small and insignificant to people not depressed but they are significant to those who can't think clearly and have no motivation for the slightest things. People often do not understand how much practical help is needed when a person is depressed person due to the overwhelm factor. You can ask what is needed to see if they are able to say but often you might have to look around and see what needs to be done or what hasn't been done in a while.
Perhaps do the dishes, or tidy up (when depressed it is natural to let everything go), open the windows for air and light, make the house more comfortable instead of feeling like a cave or prison. These are things that a depressed person might very well not think of. Depression can be very confusing. Thoughts tend to go in circles and it feels exhausting so you just give up even trying to make the smallest decisions.
What can help a person consumed by depression the MOST is someone acknowledging how they are feeling; the sadness, the aloneness, the inability to think clearly and feeling lost and everything else they are actually experiencing without judgment! Acknowledging the reality that they are experiencing is joining them where they feel the most alone and changing that. Most people are afraid to do this because they think they are encouraging the depression or sadness but the opposite is true. It makes the depressed person feel less alone.
Depressed people feel so full of despair and hopelessness that frequently they experience suicidal feelings, but in actuality it's not their life they want to end it's the tunnel of pain, darkness and isolation; but the distorted perception of depression does not afford them the ability to make the distinction between the two. If you or anyone you know might be suffering from depression or even suspect so, don't let fear, shame or judgment stop you from reaching out for help, to family, a friend or a professional; no one has to be alone in the dark. Until depression is addressed successfully we will continue to watch many people slip away into darkness. The rest of the world must learn to embrace and include those suffering from this dark demon to help bring them back to the light.
